Sunday, August 26, 2012

August stories

DSCF0944a There are four tiny blue eggs, the first eggs from the new flock, gifts from these girls:

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Their faces are so hilarious to me.  That one in the front, who is named Roo because I thought she was a rooster until she cackled happily and laid one of those eggs up there, just has the most ridiculous face.  She’s all, “What are you looking at?”  She’s like that old lady down the street that everybody is afraid of because she yells at all the kids and puts Keep Off the Grass signs around her house, but who secretly is lovely and bakes the best cookies ever, and knits red mittens for the orphans overseas.   I love her, and I think she loves me too, though she’ll totally deny it. 

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I was going to make this skirt, from the Crochet 2012 issue of Vogue Knitting magazine.  I have the yarn in the cupboard, leftover Jo Sharp Soho Summer DK Cotton, used for this and this and this and a whole bunch of other things, too.  I carefully measured myself.  I was honest with the tape measure and my own backside, and I measured the piece as I went.  I was getting gauge, everything checked out.  I showed it to Leda, who said, ominously, “It’s gonna hug your butt…”  but I was confident.  It matched the schematic.  I spent a hundred million hours working single crochet in the round, and I got this far:

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Then I tried it on.  Friends, there is not enough Spanx in the world to make me wear this.  Unraveled. 

Unrelated:  It has gotten to be that time of year where everything in the yard is beyond lush and moving towards decomposition.  The melon vines are withering and spent, and there is the hugest, scariest spider living in my tomato patch.  I have no particular fear of small, ordinary spiders but this spider was wearing a pinstriped suit and smoking a cigar.  The web was so spectacular, one of those perfectly photogenic orb webs you see with the dew clinging to it in such a woodland-ish, nature-y way and I was enchanted by the web itself, but reduced to a whimpering child by the spider, who I think was carrying a gun.  I stood there kind of quavering at it in a fascinated but petrified way until it loped off into the shadows, and I have not seen it since.  My next project will be to craft a set of chain mail opera gloves so I can pick the rest of the tomatoes.  I love August.

18 comments:

  1. OMG, thanks so much for the belly laughs! You're so darn funny! "Chain mail opera gloves", how perfect!...I bet that huge horrifying spider is just ("just"...I'd have a heart attack if one of those things was ever on me!) a garden spider. They look ferocious but they don't bite, and like you said, they make the most beautiful webs. It's not fun walking into those webs though. It's like being wrapped up in a bunch of elastic threads. Yuck. Thanks again for the giggles! :) P.S. I love that skirt, but what you wrote was even better! :D

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  2. You are making me laugh today. I have looked longingly at those skirts but even though I am fairly thin, I know my 48 year old butt and wobbly thighs are not squeezing into anything like that. And the spider story is hysterical.. Right now I have a big black snake sunning himself outside on my front walk and I can't even open my front door.
    Happy Sunday to you.
    Meredith

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  3. Great post! I completely understand how you feel about the spiders; you put our fears into words so well! Too bad about the skirt, but at least you can look back and laugh! :)

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  4. Thank goodness you tried it on. All that work. Would have been a shame to get it done and then never wear it. I laughed really hard at the spanx line. You are pretty funny.

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  5. it's always a pleasure to read your posts!!!
    xxx Alessandra

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  6. You crack me up!!! The skirt is gorgeous, but I don't blame you one bit for the unravel. Even though, I think you have a spectacular figure...based on previous photos.
    Your hens are so cute! I didn't even know you had any!!!! The eggs are fabulous, and you will love them!!!
    XO Kris
    PS Watch out for the spider. Reminded me of some of the guys on Sopranos!!!

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  7. If you have the patience to start again - I would try it in black, white on the bottom doesn't do much for anyone I always find no matter what your bum size. It is a beautiful pattern. Look forward to your regular, upbeat posts. Thanks

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  8. I've just nominated your blog for an award!!! ;oD
    xxx Alessandra

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  9. You kill me with laughter girl! Good luck with that spider.
    What a bummer about the skirt - it was one hot design! I'm sure you would have looked great in it if the pattern had worked for you. All that work. Sigh. Just glad you found out BEFORE you finished it!!!

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  10. You are hilarious! That skirt looks lovely in the magazine, but I'm not sure it would be successful on anyone in real life. :) Wishing you a wonderful week. Tammy

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  11. Love your hens, you will get loads of pleasure from them. My friend has 2 hens and they are hilarious, always finding ways of sneaking into the house. As for the skirt, I can totally appreciate the unravelling. I wouldn't even be brave enough to tackle something that skimpy. I'm certainly not brave enough to look at a 'mean gun-ho' spider.

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  12. Hahaha, This post was very entertaining, I could picture all of it! Too bad about the skirt, it's a real cute pattern, I bet it would have looked great on you.
    I have seen those spiders in my garden as well (shiver). You could put them on a leash and take them to the park.
    And your little blue eggs are looking very pretty in that dish. It's always fun to get that first batch from a new flock.

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  13. LOL...LOL...LOL.... I highly recommend anyone who would love a good laugh...please come here! Girl, you are so funny, I am still laughing...I have water in my eyes! My kids are looking at me like I am crazy! Funny stuff. Good luck with the spider and have a good week! Shari! ( still laughing)

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  14. This post made me literally laugh out loud- you have such a gift with descriptive language! I admire your courage for undertaking a crochet skirt. I certainly couldn't measure my own bottom without being reduced to tears. As for the spider, I hope that he keeps to his gangster self for the duration of tomato season!

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  15. After the morning I've had (and it's only 9am!) it is a pleasure to read this post and laugh my socks off!!! Shame about the skirt - it looked great. Have a fab day hon.
    Leah
    xx

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  16. Mine are going mad outseide! can't wait to collect the eggs as usual and I have a tasty treat of pinapple and melon scraps for them!

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  17. What a shame about the skirt... but just as well you tried it on before finishing it I suppose - but still a disappointment after all that hard work.
    Still smiling about the spider......lock your doors tonight...
    Gill xx

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  18. You slay me, EVERYTIME! I'd put a saddle on that spider, break him, and ride him to town. I've seen you in photos on here, and I'm betting you coulda pulled that skirt off just fine. Thanks for the real, authentic smiles. The bestest. Happy resta the week.

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